The Art of Being Ugly

I have been looking for old photos of myself for a slide show for our 10 year high school reunion. Fun, fun, fun. Apparently I was a pretty baby, I then became cute up to about age 9. That's the year I got glasses and by that time my hair (specifically my bangs) began to be routinely tortured by perms. No longer cute. The ugliness continued until about the age of 21. I think depression and my general sense of not wanting to be largely contributed to the ugly. Now, I don't want to sound like I'm challenging God or anything, BUT seriously...adolescence was a mistake, right? What an awful awful time. By grade 11, I had a firmly established friend group that were really really great. I didn't look good, but I felt pretty good.

I have been pouring through old photos and looking at my brothers when they were little. It makes me sad to think of things that they are now dealing with. I am also quite sad because they used to really like me. I feel loved by my family, but sometimes it would be nice to feel liked and understood. Ugly remnants have stayed and hardened me. I am not easy to know. I spew out facts, often without discretion, but manage to remain cold and reserved. I know it's not all my fault that things are the way they are, but I sometimes just really wish things didn't suck so much. 

My Ears Popped

Although this is no longer a body blog, my effing ears just popped. I have tried the cover the nose and blow strategy since high school, and it just doesn’t work. But due to my chronic dizziness/unbalance, I decided that it was time to take charge. The Eustachian tube clearing exercise only does so much (tug up and out on ear, and with opposite hand massage down side of neck to shoulder blade). I read a description of an exercise: take a breath in, and pinch nose as you blow out. It is the same stupid exercise as cover your nose and blow out, but it now works. I do it differently some how. I am excited. I may still have problems, but I now have another exercise. Yip!
I had an extended long weekend. I worked half days both Thursday and Friday, Monday was a stat, and I took Tuesday off. It was good. My housemate is on vacation, so I spent the weekend not fully closing the bathroom door and flushing the toilet only when necessary. My water consumption is almost manageable. I went for walks, and watched tv, and organized some papers, and saw some friends, and planted some flowers, and pretty much just chilled and it was awesome. And I’m not so dizzy now that I have learned how to pop my ears. Yip! Yip!

Do It

Today I started a blog about my body. Try to find it. I dare you.

So Sensitive

Just got back from the naturopath, and I am sensitive to tapioca. So that's why I vomited after bubble tea. I'm glad to have this knowledge, but I don't think there is any prepared bread that I can eat now (I even checked an organic bakery nearby, and the gf bread was a no-go). I'm going to have to find a new gf flour recipe, now that corn AND tapioca are off limits. I wasn't so sad this time. I think I'm going to stick it out until I'm done the desensitization treatments. 

Grandfather, Foreskin

Wowee! This morning, I walked and dropped some items off at the library and then I took the bus to church. During my adventure, I listened to Half-Handed Cloud, and was in love. I mean, how I could do anything but love? "After dark he really likes to whisper/into hair that covers up our ears" (Eyes Peeled) (Okay, I admit that link sucks, but it's the only one I could find with that song. Here's a choke on your tears adorable video). I may not be able to engage well with the Creator during church services, but give me some indie-pop and a comfy pair of kicks, and we are in business. The Scripture reading was about circumcision, and I was all like: what? I was listening to hhc this morning. Jesus, is that you? Man, what a day!

Ps. I think I may try to stop using dirty words so much. No guarantees, but I'm thinking of it. I think the first one I will try to cut out starts with an "s" and ends with a "hit". Even while I'm typing I know I will fail. Okay, so I will start with damn, dammit, and dammed. I don't like those ones anyway.

Someone's Crying, My Lord, Kumbaya

I have been seeing my naturopath every week for the past few months for this allergy desensitization stuff. The last 2 times I have felt very very sad during the session. I am having a hard time discerning where this sadness is coming from. Part of it stems from the fact that I have been doing so much self care and cutting out foods and introducing other foods, and I'm still not feeling great. But I think it could be more than just disappointment. I want to honor what my spirit is telling me. Maybe it's time to to stop seeing my doctor for awhile. I just don't know. 

I saw some friends right after my appointment, and we had a good week/bad week night. We tell each other good things and bad things, things learned and re-learned, things the Creator has taught and how we've tried to ignore the Creator. I was feeling really low and I mostly just cried. My friends prayed for me and encouraged me and it was nice. Today, I got an email saying that some of my friends skipped lunch today and fasted and prayed for me. My initial reaction was anger because it's so annoying when people pay attention to me. And then I thought of how I would feel if someone else was given this treatment. I would be thrilled and exclaim things like: now that's what community should look like! So I decided to not be angry. So, friends, even though only two of you read this blog, I want to say: thank you. (Oh Lord, Jambalaya).

Fame

Baugh! I am so grumpy. I accidentally got interviewed about a project and my name was in the media and I'm kind of in trouble at work. Baugh! I never wanted to be famous. Not true. I do want to be famous. I want to be internet famous. Ideally I will one day do something awesome. My awesomeness will be known by some people that I don't know. It will be the kind of infamy where you get back from the grocery store and you tell your friend, "I saw this local celebrity buying carrots. It was awesome". That's the kind of fame that I want. I want fame to follow my rules. I don't want to be famous for drinking too many martinis and then joining a riot and then getting assaulted by the police. I want to be famous for wearing shoes that are just too cute. Or for really liking dinosaurs. Or for having a really good idea. I don't want to be famous for accidentally giving an interview. Baugh! Fame why can't you just learn to follow the rules?!

Give Me an "A"

I am on a library high. I walked there tonight and it felt like my best library visit yet. The older men played chess upstairs. I watched a group getting a tour of the ESL materials. It was just so pleasant. Plus, both of my library-related crushes were there. It was perfect. 

Speaking of perfect, I met my niece this weekend. Her name is Lainey and I really like her. The last babies that I was closely related to were Jo-Jo and Mr. T. I was only 7 when they were born, and wasn't around them much for the first couple of months because they were so little and sick. I am generally nervous around infants - my hands are so strong, and I don't want to crush the poor baby. But I did it. I held her and didn't break her and we bonded and it was awesome.  Awesome.

Hummus and By-Laws: They All Fall Down

I received my new food processor bowl and blade today. I am excited to not have to think of the broken appliance sitting in my cupboard. I will now think of the functional appliance sitting in my cupboard waiting to make hummus, and chop onions when I am just too lazy.
Today my soon-to-be co-op booked some consulting time for next week. I don’t have the time or energy to figure out how to best set up shares and write our by-laws, etc. Now we have someone to help us. That is nice.
I am counting down the hours until tonight. I have a meeting about a separate project, and I am praying that the Creator will keep the decision makers on the same page. I get frustrated when people assume that I’m a kid from the way I look, but I don’t always feel fit for some of these adult responsibilities. How did I get this life?
Now it's time to talk about a case of the "crazies". I tend to have crazy experiences right before I fall asleep. I “see” things. Last night, I “saw” one of the walls in my bedroom fall down. It was pretty scary. I think I yelled. It took me a minute to process that I can't very well in the dark, and that my wall was still intact. I think it had a lot to do with the episode of “Arrested Development” that was on CBC yesterday. It was the one when they built the model home; during the ribbon cutting the house fell apart. Lucille and Uncle Oscar and the Blue Tobias. Man that show is funny.

You've Got Something on the End of Your Nose

I have been realizing more and more that I have a lot of rules guiding my life. We all do, I know. It's just that I am becoming more cognizant of just how snotty many of my rules are. These rules include coffee, alcohol, food, clothing, music, tv, movies, shoes, pants, pants, pants, just to name a few. I remember meeting a really nice boy once and deciding within minutes that I could never date him because I didn't like his pants. I know. I'm sick. 

The second last time I was in Vermilion, I filled up my car at the station on my way out of town. I decided to get a coffee. I don't do gas station coffee. It's not just because of the ethical issues surrounding coffee, it's because I don't do gas station coffee. I didn't even bring my mug, and had to use a paper cup. I tried to play it cool like I did that sort of thing everyday. You know, drive my car and buy coffee in a paper cup from a place that also sells air fresheners and pepperoni sticks. I thought I did a really good job of blending in. I tried telling this story to my folks the last time I visited. It was during the re-telling of the story that I realized that I have a little bit of the crazies. I think my taste is better than most others because I don't roll up the rim, and I think TH coffee sucks. 

I have lectured friends on buying cheap alcohol. Music is an obvious one that many of us have succumbed to (does a "your favorite music sucks" t-shirt ring any bells??). I feel far too justified in my snobbery. Church music is another obvious one. Sometimes it's really good, sometimes I go to the bathroom three times. I have an attitude problem. The biggest part of my problem is that I like my attitude problem. It's become part of my identity and I find it comforting. 

My predisposition to dislike things has been recently challenged. Now, this may come as a shock, but I started watching the television show "The O.C.". I tried to keep it under wraps for awhile because, without watching it, I believed that I disliked it. I thought the world was stupid for liking it. I believed myself to be a much smarter and discerning television watcher than the average O.C. viewer. Holy shit. What else have I missed out on??? I'm not intending on changing most of my snotty positions. Tim Hortons will always suck, and no one deserves to be drinking a ten dollar bottle of vodka. No one. But I might be missing out on things. Maybe I should just give myself the chance to like things. Maybe I would be better off judging a person based on their understanding of world events than on their pants.  

(I'm listening to Danielson right now. How would you rate me?) Please still be my friends. I promise I won't judge your pants. Your alcohol, maybe. And your pants, but I'll keep that one in my head.

Garbage Season No More

I am borrowing a table from a Chinese family. My former kitchen table was terribly rickety. I could have worked on it to make it wobble less, but I didn't. Instead I decided to spend time on this new table. It was a pretty beat up pine Ikea-esque little number. A bit of stain...and voila! This was my first time using stain. I'm excited about all the possibilities that have now opened up. I predict over the next 10 years that I will spend approximately 7 months staining things. 

This new table was what I needed to reorganize my kitchen. It uses the space differently, and I got excited. I even organized my flours and finally gave away my popcorn and cornstarch. It was time to say goodbye for good. 

I finally looked at my food processor. I tried to ignore it for about 2 years. Somehow the main blade got stuck in the bowl and it's impossible to get them apart. I tend to freak out about stuff like that. I would rather be spending my money on seven dollar loafs of bread and sneakers than replacing something 

that I already have. I did a little search on the information superhighway, and I found replacement parts. I felt a sense of freedom with finally dealing with the stupid piece of plastic. I will no longer have a food processor sadly taking up room in my cupboard. I will have a happy, useful food processor taking up room in my cupboard. I am going to process so much food, just you wait. I just feel great. My place feels great. Even my fake pets feel great.  

Could Not Be MORE Pleased

I do not know how I managed to survive eight months as a full-time drop in worker. Holy heff. A couple of the full-time drop in staff were sick this week, and I found myself migrating downstairs to take some of the heat. Working in the drop in was hands-down the hardest job I have ever had. It wasn’t even super busy, but people were rowdy. Very very rowdy. I am upstairs today. That is nice.
I finished watching that show this week. It was good to get it done. I have my life back again. It was a very intense month of tv. I think I’m through with television for awhile, or at least until next Thursday when The Office starts again.
Last night I met with a few of my future co-op friends. It was great. Jessica is opening up a bank account for us today. I have really been appreciative of all recent tangible advancements in my projects. I feel like everything in my life is taking too long, and I’m feeling impatient and discouraged. But, we are opening a bank account today to pool together funds to pay for our incorporation fees, and for the consulting group. I have been dreaming of a housing co-op for years, and it’s finally happening. But it’s not how I imagined. It is happening without some of the people that I thought would be involved. I'm a bit saddened that the rules of marriage are keeping some of my loved ones from being my neighbour. I try to pretend that I understand. I don’t. It makes me sad, and I feel a bit rejected; but I have a handful of wonderful friends that are pleased to be my neighbours (and these kids know how to party). Now co-op friends, if you are reading this, do not be alarmed. I am very very happy that you are joining me in this venture. I could not be more pleased with you (unless, of course, one of you was a beautiful boy who likes talking about the ecosystem of (fill in the blank), and who finds me more awesome than weird. But, that is not the case). Friends, I could not be more pleased with you. I am excited that we're working together.
I am blogging instead of working. Today is the last day of a crazy crappy week, and I am writing this instead of case notes. Good for me. And because you all are so enthralled with my body-talk... I think that I may damaged my stomach with the chocolate/cheese/corn adventure over Easter. I was getting better and I feel like I'm at square one again. It makes me cry a little when I think of it. That was stupid. And tasty. And stupid. And tasty. But mostly stupid.

California Here We Come

 My short absence from blogging can be attributed to a number of factors.
1. I’ve been feeling busy. Now, I must clarify that feeling busy and actually being busy are not necessarily one and the same. It would not be unreasonable to say that I have not been that busy. I’ve felt a bit stressed out about a project, but that pressure has since been relieved. I tend to feel more busy when I’m stressed.
2. Easter. I was out of town from Thursday – Monday. Up from the grave he arose. There is no internet in Vermilion.
3. I’ve recently discovered a tv show. It’s about wealthy kids living in California. I was sure that I would never watch that show and that if I did, I would hate it. I think I saw about 10 minutes of it when it was on the air. I found myself borrowing the first season from the library. After each episode I would say something like, “this show is so good”. I am now addicted, and have purchased all 4 seasons. Not something I usually do, but it just felt right. If it feels good, do it.
4. Chocolate, cheese and popcorn. I don’t usually give in to cravings that have the potential to make me very very ill. But I thought, “hey, I’m feeling better, bring it on”. I brought it on, and have felt regret for over a week. I now know that popcorn is not my friend, and that I don’t know the meaning of moderation.
5. Hawksley Workman. He’s not actually a contributing factor, but I just wanted all you suckers to know that he was at the Winspear on Monday, and my socks were officially knocked off. What a guy! He played for almost 3 hours. I couldn’t help but compare it to that one time when I had a lapse of judgement, and found myself at the Justin Timberlake extravaganza. Hawksley had props (a mini drum kit and keyboard), and costumes (spacey antennas, and green jumpsuits), AND Timbaland WASN’T there, and the girl on stage was wearing clothes. What more could I have asked for???
The truth is, number three is the main reason that I haven’t been writing. All I do in my free time is watch that show. California….

You are Good

Someone recently reminded me that I have good friends. And it's true. Not only are my friends good at being friends, they are also good at being people. An example from today: Andy stopped by my work to let me know that the voicemail system he was working on is ready to go. He told me about how Google and the city of San Francisco is providing SF homeless free phone numbers and voicemail. In response to my enthusiasm, Andy and some of his friends have worked on setting up a voicemail system for the homeless of Edmonton. Right now we need to find the $ so the system can move out of his friend's basement. Yup. I have good friends. 

Things You Should Know About: an update

My new purse has done me well so far. I used to it to carry gluten free crepes, fruit, and drinks to Sarah's birthday party. She had a crepe party, and I was planning on doing the usual eat before, and drink a glass of water slowly to not draw too much attention on my high maintenance diet. Instead, I made some crepes at home. I imagined that they would be a disaster, but I was wrong. They were simple and turned out well. 1 cup brown rice flour, 3 eggs, 1/4 to 1/2 cup water, and 1-2 tablespoons oil. I will definitely be making them again. 

The fundraiser went well. Although we had a ton of help cleaning up after the event, I wasn't able to catch the end of the show.  Heidi is perfect. She is our #1 volunteer. High five! 

The documentary isn't until tonight. I hope that I can convince someone to record it for me. 

I still like cookies. 

Update concluded.

Things You Should Know About

1. The House of Bags is moving to WEM. The last day they are open in Chinatown is March 20. I went there today and bought a bag. I recommend you do the same. 

2. There is a good sounding documentary on Sunday night on the Passionate Eye. Warning: it's about street people, and we will all likely love it.  Warning: if you have cable, I will be asking to watch it with you.

3. Candeo is holding its second annual dessert night fundraiser this Saturday. We would prefer that you rsvp, but we will accept a few last minute stragglers. 

4. Not that I want to compete with Candeo's fundraising efforts, there is a show that I hope to catch the end of. Mark Templeton is playing his last show in Edmonton for awhile. We should all go after the fundraiser.

5. I like cookies. I really do. 

6. Happy birthday, Sarah D. Happy birthday.

For You...

When I got in to work this a.m. I had eight voicemail messages. Very manageable for being out of the office for a day and a half. Two of them were from this guy who calls me quite frequently when he’s inebriated and not incarcerated. The first message was that he missed the sound of my voice, and that he wants to dance with me. The second message was a continuation of the dancing theme. He played the Fleetwood Mac song “Songbird”. I find him more funny than creepy, so overall it was a somewhat pleasant experience.

Kick Me

I took today off because I am going crazy and I need a break. Yesterday I decided to spend most of today writing for my non-paid job (volunteering - ever heard of it?). Instead I slept until until 8, cleaned the house (finally), went to the naturopath, and then went to the mall. I was looking for a white blouse, but instead I bought my second pair of kicks in two weeks. That's right 2 pairs in 2 weeks. I may have a sneaker problem. I now have three pairs that are the same, but in different colors (brown/yellow, pink, and now black/white). They are all pretty much awesome. Augh!!! I am so unproductive. 

Scratch Another Back, Scratch a Back Next to You

My life has had the distinctive feel of lack of adventure. It has been this way for about a year or more. I have been fortunate enough for a number of summers that included a little out of town adventure - often on my own. Due to lack of funds and a lack of destination, my adventures have remained quite local and, well, boring. Not that I have been bored for over a year, I've just had an itch that remained unscratched. I have had the opportunity for a mini-adventure this week. An acquaintance, who I will now call my "friend" invited me to take part in a film project that he and a friend (for this posting will be called "friend 2") were working on. I tried to heighten my sense of adventure by asking almost no questions, and by imaging unfortunate things. For instance, there was a point where I was standing a few feet from the top of a hill, and trees were blocking my view to the top of the hill. Friend and friend 2 were doing something in the car. I kept on picturing them driving away leaving me stranded. Later we drove by a "Curves" and a laser hair removal place. I imagined them trying to convince me to go for a Curves 30 minute workout and then get some lasering done. As I'm writing it, it doesn't sound like it would actually increase the adventure - but you weren't there. The questions I did not ask included: are you filming now, why am I here, and would you like to be my friends? I really get a kick out of ambiguity from time to time. I found the unknown exciting. Now, I'm not saying that the itch was entirely scratched, but it's a little more manageable now. So friend, and friend 2, although you will never read this, and we might not actually be friends, thanks for the adventure.

(Now it's time for a R&A's breakfast with my girls! Yes!)

Men

Today was my second, and last day of being friends with two nice boys. Oh the memories that I will have forever. Sitting on a bench in the park, sitting on a chair in a house, walking down the street, walking up a hill... When we were walking, we passed a young woman who was really high and messed up. Then we saw this guy, in his early 20s, he was clean looking, middle class. We were close by as he passed the girl, and he asked if she "wanted to party". It was really terrible. She was so vulnerable - and he just really wanted to take advantage of her. I know this happens lots, but it was gross to see. It's men like that who make me want to not walk alone. It's men like that who make me feel like maybe I should be wearing a bigger hoodie, like it's a problem and my fault for having a body. It's men like that who make me want to say "I don't like men". But I know that by taking a stand like "some men are johns, so I don't like men" is a really hateful thing. And, I was with two men who were equally upset with this guy's behavior. There are lots of really good people in this world. There are lots of people, men and women, who value life. There are men out there who don't do the drive by heckle. I am going to try to be more aware of my "I don't like men" thoughts and statements. There are lots of good men out there.

Decisions Decisions

So I didn't make it to Calgary yesterday. Andy was arriving at the Calgary airport from his Italian excursion. Jess went to pick him up. She was going to leave sometime after one. I thought: hey, people shouldn't let their friends drive three hours all alone. I should go with her. So, I gave her a call and left work early and hopped in her car. I immediately knew I had made the wrong decision. My leg and back issues make sitting a bitch. And it was warm and wet and I typically vomit under those conditions. So, 1o blocks into our journey, I asked her to pullover and I walked home. Spazzy? Yes. Best decision ever? Maybe. Last night I finished rereading the final Harry Potter book and I did the dishes and I tidied up a bit and I danced and went to bed at 9:30. Best decision ever? Absolutely.

Hey, Valentine!

I know you are all probably wondering how my Valentine's day was. Well, it was pretty good. Work was okay, supper was good, someone bought me shit that I don't need, and we had a community meeting. At the meeting, we decided that we are going to form as a continuing co-operative. This seemed like the best option for awhile, but the work, and potential cost of setting up a co-op was a huge deterrent. Last Saturday, we met with a group that consults co-housing groups. It was nice to get some professional advice, but the cost of having them plan our project was just too much. So we're going to do most of the leg work, and check in with them periodically to make sure that we're on the right track. This has been my dream for 3 years and it looks like it's really going to happen. I am very excited. My heart is racing, but it is now passed my bedtime. I hope I can sleep....

Best Night Ever

Aaugh! It's only 8 and I'm already having the best night. I took my roommate to catch the shuttle to the airport. I am home alone and wearing only one pair of pants. That's right...the legging pair. And my mom called to tell me that if I save my grocery receipts I can claim the difference in cost of my gluten free breads and regular things on my taxes. And I just made some white basmati rice. White rice and leggings. This night is OFF THE HOOK!

Yeah, I'm Gonna Marry a Carrot

I am winding down after a grumpy/crappy week with the Simpsons. It's the episode when Lisa decides to become a vegetarian. I remember when I was a kid and wanted to become a vegetarian. I mentioned it once or twice to my mom. She didn't receive it well, and as I was the peace maker child in my family, I didn't push it.  It wasn't until my second year on my own that I went for it. I finally went down the path that was chosen for me. It was an exciting time. But it was also stressful relating my choice to the people that knew me all my life. I am thankful that I had that discussion with my family years ago. It was an uncomfortable time. I stopped eating meat AND I got my nose pierced. How could I have tortured my parents so much? It's funny to look back on because neither of those actions should have been that big of a deal. But I guess my folks felt like I was rejecting their way of life. My life does look a lot different than theirs, but our core values remain similar. We value love, laughter, and punk rock. 

My grandma still seems to find it very odd. She is a wonderful and hilarious woman and when she remembers my deficiency she says something like, "Oh Angie, what are YOU going to eat? Should I boil you an egg?" If I didn't have the gluten thing going on, I would try veganism, but I do have the gluten-thing, so yes, Grandma, an egg would be great.  

I really do love this episode - its the one with the pig roast. A few years ago we had a family reunion with a pig roast. It was a bonding time for me with my parents and brothers. Despite (or maybe because of) raising pigs on the farm for years, most of us don't do pork. It was hard to not picture the roast floating through the air...  Anyway, if there is one thing I have learned from the Simpsons: "You don't make friends with salad". 

So Long Friends...

Okay, so I'm not a super internet-y kind of gal. I like it. I use it. But I'm not the person you go to hear about new cool things on this world wide web. I obsessively look on real estate sites to find the perfect home for my community. I read my friends blogs. I sometimes check the news. And that's about it. Well, the times, they are a-changin'. I love the blogosphere. I love how indulgent it is. I love how strangers can stumble upon my ramblings and become instantly bored. I love how I can get to know intimate details of a person's life that I will never know. I love it, I love it, I love it. So, my new hobby is reading the blogs of strangers. It feels a bit uncomfortable and creepy but I'm willing to suck it up for the sake of entertainment. From now on my internet time will be divided as follows: emailing 30%; real estate 10%; facebook 10%; blog-related activities 50%. I am very, very excited about this new arrangement. One more change, I have decided to change the break down of my days: sleep 8.5 hours; eating/cooking/grocery shopping 1.5 hours; work 8 hours; exercise 1 hour; neti pot .25 hours; thinking about unicorns and/or Scott Baio .25 hours; bathroom .5 hours; internet 5 hours. That leaves no time for real life friends. Sorry. It was nice while it lasted.